I should be sleeping.....

I should have gone to bed like an hour ago, however I have a million thoughts running through my head! Finishing last minute details on a paper due Thursday, last minute packing, loading cars, making sure Wyatt has everything he needs, taking a shower and fixing my hair, and the list goes on and on. I wanted to take the time to blog though because even though I have been randomly crying over the past few days and I'm very scared about this surgery tomorrow, I want to remember these feelings.

I feel guilty, sad, nervous, excited, happy, upset, worried. Who knew you could feel all of these things at one time! Let me tell you... you CAN! tonight when I had to hug Wyatt and say goodbye, I lost it! I started crying, then let him down and he looked at me and said "Mama" and ran to me. I am crying again as I write this and I know he is fine! He is being taken care of, but i feel so guilty. I am leaving him to give life to another baby, when he is my BABY! Everytime I hold him, rock him, put him to bed, lay him down for a nap or laugh at his silliness I think about how this is all going to change tomorrow at 7:30 when my full attention is no longer on him and his needs but on another little person. She is equally as important, but I don't know her like I do my little monkey. I haven't spent 19 months falling in absolute, head over heels love! I am also sad because I know that a c-section means I dont get to have our special moments for a while, like holding him and rocking him. It will all be different and let's be honest change is hard!

I have never cried when leaving him, he has stayed with his Nana, Mimi and Papa and just daddy and I have always been fine. Tonight I was not fine. I am putting my trust in God and knowing that things will all work out for the best. That he will make a wonderful big brother, that I will be able to have our special moments back, and that I will love both of my children the same! I know that sounded very bad, but it's an honest thought right now. I do love McKinley but at this moment it is so different than my love for Wyatt, because I know him.

I am looking forward to meeting her, to holding her and for this very difficult part to be behind us. I am asking for prayers...

Comments

  1. MrsAstorApril 12, 2011 at 7:18 AM

    I'm thinking about you today! You'll do great, Wyatt will be thrilled to meet his new little sister.

    ReplyDelete

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